So originally I'd planned to kick this blog to the curb, but I find that I may need it for when I really need to get personal stuff out in writing, as I do today. I'm reserving my other blog for a more focused bent.
I'm angry. Really angry. And I've been angry since about July of last year. Sometimes the anger is directed at myself, sometimes at my ex. Sometimes my anger just consumes me and it boils over and scalds whoever happens to be close enough at the time. I'm so tired of being angry. Before Cody, I was the least angry person I knew. I was able to keep my cool in nearly any situation, but now my anger is always right there on the surface, just waiting for the slightest thing to set it off.
I'm struggling to find that person I was before I knew Cody, before he stripped all my pride and my self-esteem from me, before I turned into a mass of emotions too strong for me to think logically sometimes. All this anger I never possessed, I don't WANT it. It's like HIS anger just overflowed and poured into me, and now I can't get rid of it. I'm angry at everything that happened to me, at the complete unfairness of it all, at my inability to really talk about it with anyone.
Days at work I literally shut my eyes for a minute and scream silently inside my head, I mean that, I SCREAM inside my head trying to get the excess of emotion out of my system. And I'm dealing with trying to claw my way back to the surface and expel all the anger from my system while I live without my kids, while I try to figure out what I need to do in life, while I overcome the equally maddening dregs of love I still feel for him--LOVE! That pisses me off too, that I could possibly still love such a person, if anything as vile as he is can be called that.
I'm a kite in a tornado, but whoever was holding the string has let go, and I find myself caught in the tempest, waiting, just waiting, for it to die so that I can lie on the ground in the tatters that are surely going to be left of myself.
The anger is tearing me apart. It wears me out.
