Marriages and Relationships--Straight Up, No Chaser

An old entry I'm bringing over from MySpace.

Marriage is worth it.

To the people who think marriage means nothing--you're fooling yourselves. If anything, marriage means more today than it did 500 years ago, more than it did 200 years ago, and even more than it did 60 years ago.

I can already hear you whining. "But if marriage means so much, then why is the divorce rate so high?"

To that I ask you a question in return: If marriage means nothing, then why is the marriage rate so high?

I also offer this bit of information to those less interested than I, who have not read as many historical novels as I, and probably have not watched as much History Channel as I. Divorce rates would have been much higher in history than they are now if they had been as easy to obtain. Why? you ask. Because marriages were, for the most part, arranged for title and estate, or in other cultures were decided by the parents for similar purposes. Or, if you were lucky enough to be a sultan or some such, you had a harem full of wives who couldn't say nay--or if they did it wouldn't matter anyway.

Those marriages meant nothing on a personal level. Even a hundred years ago, or sixty years ago, when divorce was uncommon--do you know why it was uncommon? Not because marriages weren't unhappy, but because talking about your marriage problems was unheard of.

Philandering husbands? Must be tolerated. Wives who did nothing? Better get a maid. Divorce was a major social taboo, not a personal one.

Divorce has become socially acceptable, and since it has, divorce rates--at least in some countries still--have taken a major leap into the red. But did you know that divorce rates are actually down since the '70s? Since the '80s? In fact, it seems that in America, since the first big boom after divorce became popular, it has been steadily--but slowly--decreasing as people realize a few things that I, with my superior intellect (::cough, cough::), have already figured out.
Love is not a fairy tale. Oh, you hear "I'll love you through the good times and the bad, until we grow old together," et cetera, but that's a romanticized view.

Truth is, love is when you want to be with someone even after they hurt the hell out of you. Love is when you get into a big argument and don't talk for days, but you know you can do that because you'll still be together in the end. If you're afraid to have an argument, or if you've never had an argument, you have no business getting married. If you get married and then have your first argument, who's to say that argument won't be the end of your relationship?
Love is when you know you're going to spend the rest of your life screwing the cap back onto the toothpaste or putting the toilet seat back down or picking up dirty towels off the floor, and even though it irks you--and you're willing to tell them all about it--you plan to do it anyway.

If you think a romance novel is a fairy tale, you ought to actually read one and pay attention to the actual relationship storyline instead of the peripheral things. I think they're a good hard reality check as far as relationships go. In every single one there's a conflict that keeps the relationship from working and the hero and heroine have to solve that conflict. If you plan to be in a relationship for any length of time, you'd better get used to that, because there will be countless conflicts.

I think people who go into marriage thinking that love should be like a fairy tale, or that the "magic" won't ever fade are the people who fail at marriage. You're going to have shortcomings in that marriage, and you're going to screw up. Badly. You're going to want divorce at times. If you realize this, and you realize that a marriage--or any long-lasting relationship--is going to take a lot of work and countless compromises, not to mention bucketloads of forgiveness, I think you're going in with a better chance at success than most people.

Marriage purely for personal feelings, along with the social acceptance of divorce, is a relatively new concept in the world. We're still pioneers in this new territory, and I think we're making damn good progress at becoming adept at marriage.

If you think marriage means less now than it did in the past, again I must tell you you're fooling yourself. Those marriages that stay together now are not only made for personal reasons, but are kept strong by pure will alone, not by any law that says divorce must come from a pope or king, who grants them sparingly.

That takes gumption, hard work, compromise, communication, ability to work as a team player, and the ability to forgive. Is it really any wonder that the divorce rate is high?

I think we ought to be grateful that we have the opportunity to realize our mistakes and correct them through divorce. Imagine living your entire life with a person you have truly come to hate--someone you can't work with, someone you're so busy arguing with on a daily basis that you can't manage your life. Someone who has equal say in your life who doesn't share the same values or goals as you. I think the ability to divorce is a boon, not something to fear.

Marriage, and the act of it, is saying to the nation that you have decided to partner yourself to one person. This person then legally becomes your family. This person has no blood relation to you, but you share enough that you've made them your family--they have the right to visit you in the hospital, decide where you're buried after you die, and many other things BEFORE the blood kin you may have. That's saying a lot. You then share a family of your own, you show your trust by combining your credit and bank accounts, you work together financially to build a home--one home for your chosen family.

If we stop looking at marriage as a fairy tale and start looking at it as more of the challenge that only the elite can handle "until death do they part," I think we'll be better off as a society, and then--and only then--will the divorce rate decline.

So ask yourself, do you possess the qualities needed to sustain a marriage? Do you believe in marriage enough to make it work? Keep in mind that if the benefits didn't outweigh the problems, the marriage rate would not be so high.