I'm just getting this off my chest--again.
I keep thinking that if I try to write it down and get it off my chest, it won't hurt so much that some of my favorite friendships ended for no reason. How many times have I written about this? Why hasn't it helped? Oh, sure, it does relieve the enormous pressure on my heart for the moment, but it never lasts for any length of time, and often not at all. And yet I continue in vain to write about it, hoping to push the hurt through my pen or pencil onto the page--wanting to trap it there so it can't creep into my thoughts again to torment me. But the melancholy memories refuse to be contained on the page. They insist instead on pestering me, darkening an otherwise good mood, or aggravating a bad one.
And all I can think, yet again, is that the friendships were so strong. What happened? What did I do? What didn't I do? As if knowing now would put those friendships to rights. Of course it wouldn't. But would knowing cause worse festering, or would it help give me closure, as I keep hoping it would? If I knew, there'd be something to either agree or disagree with, something I can wrap my head around, for better or for worse. Something for me to fight against, even. But how can you fight something if you don't know what it is? What's the point in getting close to someone if they're just going to give up on you with no notice and no reasons?
Maybe the time before the abandonment is worth it--just maybe. Maybe ole Garth knew what he was singing about when he wrote "The Dance." Or maybe he's full of it.
I understood Francis the most, but it still hurt that he so blatantly ignored me, and that Heather insisted that I led him on. I never found out what he was thinking when he started ignoring me, and so I never got true closure there. J.T. just stopped talking to me for seemingly no reason. As though one day he just gave up any emotion he had invested in me.
And the latest . . . well, it's been difficult because he seems not to realize what he's doing. He's not my friend anymore, not really. Now he's more an acquaintance; how can I let him go when every time I get close to doing it he crops up with an effort at good conversation? I never really understood the need for "clean breaks" before--I do now. It's like having a wound, then ripping the scab off it over and over again.
Not. Pleasant.
Could someone teach me how to just not care? Because I don't think I'm doing it right.
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5 comments:
Well, of course, I read it. You've read about of some of the most painful times in my life, about thing I didn't understand and still don't understand. You often tried to help, knowing that it was probably a fruitless endeavor because some things you have to learn on your own and that some things there just isn't any answer for.
Anyway, sometimes you come to a point where you've invested a lot of yourself into a relationship with another person, whatever type of relationship it might be, and you realize that it's not going to go where you want it to, or you need it to, and you have to walk away for yourself. Sadly, it really is a 'it's not you, it's me' situation.
Sometimes you want more from a person; more than they can they give, and more than you can ask. You realize that, and you realize that the best thing you can do is walk away. And you feel bad about that, so maybe you don't make as clean of a break as you should with them. There is still a part of you that is hoping that it will work out. After all, the other person is a great person and you want them to be a part of your life.
Sometimes you get too close to your friends without realizing it. Sometimes your friends get to close to you without realizing it. There is a line there, and once it is crossed you can never go back. You can also almost never explain it to the other person.
Hell, sometimes you just don't have the time for other people that you used to, or you lose interest.
It's something I've dealt with plenty of times. I don't really understand it myself. I don't know that I ever will.
It sucks. I know that much. I don't think anyone is ever happy with the situation.
Thanks, Robert, your comments are very kind. I've considered all the things you mentioned, and probably a dozen other things as well. What makes it difficult is just not knowing. It's like a riddle I'll never get answers to. Hell, I've tried asking directly for answers, and I've tried waiting to see if others would give me the answers if I waited long enough. I've tried allowing for space, which never seems to help. But how can someone help a situation if they don't really understand that situation? It's tough being central to it and yet not knowing what it is or how it can be helped. If I DID get too close to my friends, if I DID cross a line, at least if someone got it out in the open I could learn to accept it--but without that knowledge there's nothing really to accept.
I then have to wonder if that's really the case or if I did something offensive or if they just got bored with me. I've always wondered if it had anything to do the way I seem to bring out the flakier side of people. I'm not sure how that would connect, but it seems to be connected in my head sometimes. Anyway, I appreciate your reading my emotional crap. I know it can be cringe-inducing sometimes. More than that, I appreciate that you took the time to think it through and write such a thoughtful comment.
Yeah, the not knowing seems to be the single hardest part of dealing with something like this. It sucks, it hurts, and it generally makes no damned sense. And it pisses you off too, when no one will give you any answers.
What you feel is never pathetic, nor is it emo. You have a right to feel how you feel regardless of how other perceive it.
That being said, friendship isn't something you should have to work at, although you should be considerate. (not you, just you, you know?)
Closure is something far different. Personal experience has shown me that sometimes the best closure is the action you take. I prefer to deal with it myself rather than let someone tell me how things are going to be.
I know I'm not making much sense either, but it is what it is and I know you get it.
Annnnddd, it utterly pisses me off when they pop up out of the blue to start the mudslide all over again. Makes me think I wasn't direct enough in the first place.
I love you!
Yep, Nicki, I have this tendency to prefer to err on the side of tact, when sometimes I really need to lose the tact and be blunt. I'm a very tolerant person, so I'll put up with a lot before I go to bluntness.
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